My Father

What can I say dad? You have always been in my life, a little too much some times, and not enough at others. Though many things I did not want to be shown, some were the greatest. I use to resent you. I use to blame you. I thought of you as the cause of my misery at times, and some times still do, but not as often. In the past couple years that we've been apart, I've had time to think. I think of you as more human now, and not just a neusance to my party going, my free friday nights, and my evenings I just want alone. I've started to see you for what you really are. All the wrong that people have done to you, yes I see it now. I thought you were the cause of your misery, and in some ways is, but now I see the huge part others had to play. Especially that old winded crow next door that called the cops on you so many times before. Though that scene of the cops busting down your door, and hauling you away before my eyes will never change, I now see why it happend in the end. And though that cop had found me a home for the remaining week when i had no place to go, for mommy wasn't home, I still thought of you being all alone in a cold 4X4 cell. When I was young, I never understood why you took me to all those alcohol addicted houses, and drug addict friend houses. All I knew was that when you were stoned cold, I was alone, and so was my stomach. Though there were people aplenty, they frightened me so. They towered over me, and I found comfort through the remaining night under the blanket that was closest to your immobile body. Daddy, I was scared you'd never reawake. Now I see that you were just trying to get away without really going away. I know you know you've disappointed me so, and your trying very hard to make it up in the end. But that's just it, it's the end. I'm growing up daddy, I'm sorry but your a little late. Why, do I not include you in my life you ask? Because when I do your presence never shows. I am not a hallow object to fight over in court to have around, just to fill your needs or feeling unalone. Any dad that is willing to put a gun to head in spite of his own misery in stead of putting his children first is not worth fighting in my eyes, but yet I still do. Because you family daddy. And though you've crossed us before, I still love you , and always will.